Laboratory Sociology 101

Lab personnel can be roughly divided into the following groups:

1. Rocking hipsters. Jeans, sneakers, and microbeers. For them, scientific curiosity is often part of a larger creative impulse, and their geekiness and zest for learning can be charming. Or annoying, if it's late and they have the Deftones cranked up too loud on the stereo.

2. Mellow intellectuals. Fond of Eddie Bauer khakis, lite rock (or NPR), and white wine. Can generally be described in terms of discipline and attention to details. They like to drive their points home with large sample sizes and statistical data. This translates into ass-kickingly solid work, but amazingly dull research presentations.

3. Schlepprocks. Hopeless nerds. Often found with toilet paper stuck to their shoes.

Occasionally, Rocking Hipsters grow into Mellow Intellectuals but the reverse is rarely true. (Unless a midlife crisis is in process, which generally goes hand-in-hand with loss of funding, hair, spouse, etc). Schlepprocks always remain schlepprocks.

Laboratory Sociology 102

There is a silent war in our lab. It is brutally fought, hotly contested, and hard to predict. It is the War for Stereo Dominance. When one party is in charge of the stereo, the other party may engage in covert acts of sabotage (ie turning down the volume). However, a deliberate act of station-changing may only occur if no members of the rival faction are within a 100-foot radius of the stereo. This is tricky, particularly during mid-day.

Today, the Mellow Intellectuals have control of the stereo and they've tuned the "mellow rock" station. This is the station that has a heinous, unnatural love of Sheryl Crow. Hiss!

Ah good ol' Sheryl. The biggest disappointment in the so-called "adult alternative" genre. She debuted with an album or two that hinted at a modicum of songwriting talent. But since the late-90s she's degenerated into a hack who's only capable of covering lame 25 year-old ballads. Let's face it, it doesn't matter if she smokes or drinks Budweiser with Kid Rock. She's the Pat Boone of this generation; mild, inoffensive, marketable, and utterly soulless.

She, Kid, and all the other crackers who are recycling dull 70's stadium rock in order to sell album all need to go back to waiting tables, washing cars, or hauling garbage. 'Cause they sure as shit can't make music.

(and yes, the whole Lab Soc angle was to let me vent about SC. Her music is foul and makes me cranky.)