Random thoughts

[quesarah]

1. I have a friend who's taken up the habit of exclaiming "Christies!" when she's surprised. I've told her it sounds less like a curse than a breakfast cereal. "Sugar-frosted Christies, a part of this balanced breakfast. This is my body given for you. Do this in remembrance of me."

2. Saturday evening with the virginmartyr1 was super fun. We were both pretty beat from all-day rehearsal but I think the exhaustion added a neat level of giddiness to the evening. And her friend from LA is cool. Hee!

3. We bought a new oven mitt this weekend. It's quite a festive shade of blue with lemons all over it. It looks more like a puppet than an oven mitt, so wafflelips decided it needed a name. I decided we should call it Oven Dando, since there are lemons all over its head.

4. My freakish evangelical Christian cousin emailed me. She got a job with the Homeland Security Department and is moving from Kansas City to Washington DC. (editorial comment: how fucking frightening is it that a nutjob like her is working for Homeland Security? I'm sure Ashcroft will just luuuuuuurve her.) She wants my advice about where to live, etc.

Some Important Facts:

a) I never lived in DC. I lived in Baltimore
b) The rude bitch came to our home, spent the night, and then left us with a pamphlet on "the truth about homosexuality" (with certain important passages highlighted) for us to study. For our own good. So we'll repent and be "cured."

I want to write a terse message saying "Sorry, can't help you." But wafflelips says I should say "fuck off and die" as well. Any opinions on the matter?

Comments

[sweetangelgc.livejournal.com]

Hi there. Just wanted to let you know I "friended" you. Your LJ is so entertaining! LOL! Several entries made me laugh. I hope you don't mind. ;)

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Cool. Welcome to the Crackhouse. :)

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

3. I love puppets! I think I'll add eyes and lips to it. That'll make it more fun!

4. Yes, I think you should tell her that you want nothing to do with her, and that for her to even ask a favor of us when she was so rude is indicative of the fact that she's *insane*. We barely know her, invite her to our home, she's a day late, and then leaves literature that she *knows* we'll find offensive.

[among-the-waves.livejournal.com]

You guys could say something in non-angry language about how her actions were really upsetting and that you are still angry with her for doing something so vile. That's probably the best thing to do. But it would be more fun to send something like this:

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

When and how did you decide that you were a heterosexual?

Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?

Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

Heterosexuals have histories of failure in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality in fear of rejection?

If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?

If your heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

With whom have you discussed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive heterosexual object choice, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, natural, God-given homosexual potential?

Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted sex roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex, when the obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman sexually, or vice-versa?

Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?

There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you want to. Have you ever tried therapy?

A disproportionate number of criminals, welfare recipients, and other irresponsible or anti-social types are heterosexual. Why would you want to hire a heterosexual for a responsible position?

Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust other of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Why do you make a point of attributing heterosexuality to famous people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counselor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear that s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings?

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

This is great! I'll have to use this on people!

Actually, her cousin was a lesbian before. Yeah, she's a 'reformed' queer.

Freak!!!

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

I don't know if she ever identified as such, but she had relationships with women. She's mainly just psychotic.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

oh yeah, that's right.

Did I mention that Jesus talks to her? No, really, he talks to *her*.

[among-the-waves.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of my favorite bumper sticker: Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

In her case it's better to say, "everyone else thinks you're schizophrenic."


I'd blocked out the bit where she hears Jesus talking to her. And how God showed her her birth and let her feel all the sensations. So she's really "reborn." Yeah.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Ohhh! That's right, I forgot about that part!

She could benefit from lots of therapy.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Let me reiterate: this person is now working for the federal government! In the Homeland Security Department! Auuuugh!

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Hey, she's a good Christian woman. Don't make fun of her or our Homeland Security Department.

She's like Justin's sister or something.

Hmmm. Perhaps we should say "Fuck off and die" after all....

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Hey, she's a good Christian woman. Don't make fun of her or our Homeland Security Department.

"Homeland Security, McCarthy speaking." Actually, I prefer to think of it as "die Heimat-Sicherheit Abteilung." Seems more descriptive.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

This is one of the more disquieting things about those who believe in God, because as far as I'm concerned, hearing voices inside ones head is not normal.

Of course, many of them argue that God speaks to them without words, that his message flows from the Bible. In which case, clearly these are people who have never actually read the Bible. (A common failing amongst Christians I find.)

Mind you, I half suspect that hearing the voice of God talking to you is probably a pre-requisite for joining the Fascist Secret Police Force, sorry, the Thought Police, sorry no, that's still not right... The Homeland Security Fascist Secret Thought Police.

When a nation begins creating bodies like that Homeland Security thing, it's about time to start thinking quite seriously about getting the hell out of that country before the steel curtains come down.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

When a nation begins creating bodies like that Homeland Security thing, it's about time to start thinking quite seriously about getting the hell out of that country before the steel curtains come down.

Canada is looking pretty great right now. Even they pass some sort of defense of marriage bullshit, I'm really leaving.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

I wonder what Canadas immigration policy is. Because yeah, I sometimes half think about going there too.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

We're heading up to Toronto next summer to visit friends. I'm interested to see what it's like firsthand.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure. Some people have told me it's really hard, others have the impression that it's easy. Perhaps we should ask nightxade since she is a Canadian. Of course, most of the Canadians I've asked haven't had a clue about the immigration policy...

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Hell, I don't have much of an idea what the UKs immigration policy is. Except for the fact that if you're poor, fleeing torture, and/or have dark skin, then you're in a lot of trouble, and we're likely to lock you up in a concentration camp until you rot.

Wendy/Nightxade is pretty much the main reason I'd want to visit Canada though, far more than that whole their government seems pretty cool thing.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

We have some friends that live in Toronto. biogeekgrrl's choir is going to Montreal for a concert in July next year. We've decided to make a vacation of it and stay a week, maybe 2. Visit Montreal and Toronto.

I visited Montreal when I was in junior high. I was vacationing w/ my best friend and her family in Vermont. We drove to Montreal for a day, but her parents kept getting lost and we ended up only going to McDonalds for some lunch, and then they made us go back to Vermont. We were pissed.

In 90 I visited Toronto. I loved it! I know it's changed a lot, it's much more crowded than it was then. But I'm still really excited to visit it again.

[among-the-waves.livejournal.com]

I've seen this before and found it via Google; who knows where it came from.

Reformed, eh? The scariest of all!

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Any response should be in non-viscous language. *I* want to say to her:
Begin
I'm a little suprised that you have the nerve to ask me for advice. My partner and I opened our home to you, when we barely knew you. You arrived several hours later than you originally planned, and did not call to let us know until mid-way through the day. Furthermore, after spending the night in our home, you left us literature that was extremely offensive. Literature that says we are twisted people who did not develop normally. Beyond the fact that you are and the literature are wrong, it's just plain rude.

Do not contact me again.
End.

But will it really do any good?

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Nope, it won't. What will? Thorazine.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

It'd make me feel better. That's all it would do. If I got to tell her how rude she is. I wouldn't even bother with the "You need a shitload of therapy and some thorazine." bit.

Of course, it would just cement in her mind that she's right and that she should never doubt Jesus.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

I will forever be haunted by the image of her wandering through our place humming that horrible Christian pop song, her old lady perfume wafting on the air.

*shudder*

[among-the-waves.livejournal.com]

On one hand it might be good to express your feelings. On the other hand you're right, it probably won't do any good, and may even earn you some tracts in your mailbox on a regular basis. You're not dealing with a rational person here.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Yike! Not those awful things.

Yeah, and I have to remember that she's working for the Homeland Security Department. No telling who'll start going through my mailbox.

[among-the-waves.livejournal.com]

The fundie comic strip tracts are the most scary, yet simultaneously hilarious. Eeeek.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Sugar frosted Christies!

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Yep, that they are.

When a friend of ours was in junior high he got really freaked out by one of the tracts. He used to play D&D and was terrified that something bad would happen to him or a friend because he played D&D and the tract said he was evil.

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

Oh my god! I'm heterosexual! I need help!

:)

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

That's okay. We all care for you and will tolerate you, even if you are a sinner and are going to hell. We'll pray for you.

[distraction77.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should help her. Find her an apartment in the Gayest neighborhood you can find, then inform the community that they have a "reformed" person moving in. Sic all the angry granola dykes on her. If she can throw her propaganda at you there is no reason you can't subject her to an army of flannel clad lesbians and sparkley young gay men. You never know, maybe some handsome young androgen can pull her out of the arms of Jesus and back into the world of thinking human beings.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

That is a tempting idea.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Yes, tell her that she should check out Dupont Circle. Heh.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Part of me really really wants to tell her to move there. Part of me also wants to give her the number of a good therapist, too. She a freak.

[distraction77.livejournal.com]

Can't you do both?

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

I might, but I honestly think she's too whacko for it to benefit her. She has a fantasy world that she's constructed to absolutely airtight specs; any attempt by reality to breach it will end in failure.

[nightxade.livejournal.com]

Only one mitt?

Oh and don't bother too much trying to spell out anything to your cousin. Those types will never change and never listen. You could play the better person and help her, but I wouldn't bother.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

We got one mitt and two square ones.

Yeah, we could help her by telling her to move to Dupont Circle (queer DC neighborhood) and maybe she'll finally deal with her own sexuality.

Of course, since she'll be working with the Homeland Security Office that could backfire--she may end up having all the queers and queer friendly folks arrested for being a threat to national security. ;-)

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

I don't have enough affection for her (or anything else, for that matter) to really bother. I'll type up some generic reponse and forget all about her.