The holiday post

[quesarah]

In the previous post, wafflelips wrote "Wait, I thought holidays were about drunken relatives, family angst, and finding a way to get away from the family."

Well, in my family they're about stressing over the preparation and diverting energy into making five times as much food as necessary. They're about everyone yelling at each other until the meal is over and they can find a place to sneak off. They're about praising family bonds then never making any attempt to connect on anything but the most base level. They're about feeling alone and like a stranger in a house full of people wiith the same surname.

Growing up, I never understood the point of Thanksgiving; after I stopped focusing on getting a bunch of loot for Christmas I realized I didn't understand it either. Everybody talked about family togetherness and spending time together during the holidays. I thought that was a load of bull. In my experience, it certainly was.

It wasn't until recently, when I found a new family of people that I really do connect with that I understood why people travel halfway across the country just to spend time during the holidays. I would travel anywhere to be with these people; I can't say the same for my siblings.

Tonight, two very dear friends will be arriving from Tucson. We'll spend the holiday together, reconnect, talk, eat, and enjoy each other's company. On Thursday I will be very thankful for them and for their love and support.

I get it now.

Comments

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Nice post.

Wheee! It's going to be a fun week.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Now I just have to work on "getting" Christmas. That may take a little more work, though.

[virginmartyr1.livejournal.com]

ok this is kind of strange, but i think i actually get christmas in some ways. maybe this is because of that whole outsider perspective thing and due to the fact that i never celebrated christmas ever until i was about 11 or 12 (when my dad re-married). christmas for me is less about the holiday itself (shock and suprise) and more about the season and the spirit and the whole idea of goodwill and love and happiness. now, this is from someone who was totally devoid of anything totally fucked up family christmases, so i actually like the holiday without all the religious stuff mixed in. the last few christmases i've spent with anna and her family, who are very dysfunctional, but it's not my dysfunction, so it's just like spending it with friends. you'll "get christmas" eventually...i'll bake cookies, it'll help. :)

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

What i don't get about xmas, which I see lots of people being obsessed about, is the notion of buying all sorts of crap for people, since it's the "spirit of the season". I see more people obsessed with doing that, rather than really focusing on giving to others selflessly. The presure to participate is *everywhere*. When you decline to participate in the same way (with the whole gift buying frenzy), people are uncomfortable or downright suspicious. I can't tell you how many times I hear people say "Well, I just had to start using my credit cards for shopping this season. I wanted to make sure that

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What i don't get about xmas, which I see lots of people being obsessed about, is the notion of buying all sorts of crap for people, since it's the "spirit of the season". I see more people obsessed with doing that, rather than really focusing on giving to others selflessly. The presure to participate is *everywhere*. When you decline to participate in the same way (with the whole gift buying frenzy), people are uncomfortable or downright suspicious. I can't tell you how many times I hear people say "Well, I just had to start using my credit cards for shopping this season. I wanted to make sure that <insert friend, relative, or acquaintence here> got a gift, too. You know what I mean? " And my answer is no, I don't.

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

That's the thing I don't get. I could care less about that part, which is why I think we need to reinvent Christmas for ourselves. We should figure out what it represents to us and celebrate that.

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

We should. Make it the antiXmas. I think we've been in the process of doing that over the past several years. Participating on our own terms.

[virginmartyr1.livejournal.com]

ooo i'm down for the anti-christmas as well. sign me up.

i completely understand what you both are saying about the whole "must buy presents, many many presents, that are perfect and expensive and will make me broke" thing. it's ridiculous...but hard to get away from. i've felt pressured into participating in gift exchanges and that bites. but it's a pretty foreign concept to not get gifts for people over the holidays. it's tricky. it's commercialized. it sometimes makes me want to puke a little. but the warm fuzzy spending time with friends..that i get and like a lot.

[prrrn.livejournal.com]

Since I grew up with such a mish-mash of traditions, I actually feel pretty comfortable with "xmas," though I usually just think of it as the winter holidays. I have a little Jewishness since that's what I grew up with. I light the hanukkah candles, sing (or think about) hanukkah songs, and try to make potato pancakes at least once during the season. And I enjoy the lights of the season, whatever holiday that might reflect. My family decorates a grapefruit tree with lights. I usually try to hang some lights somewhere to enjoy them. And I also do something to celebrate the winter solstice if possible, either the UU solstice event or just being aware that the days are switching to getting longer, that it's a transition time of year, a reminder that everything comes full circle eventually.

About gift giving? My family varies from lots of presents to none at all. Two traditions stick with me, though. I love to make people gifts. I love to think of what they would really enjoy that they would never buy themselves but that I could make so I have some connection to them during the year. I also believe in gift-giving as a joint experience. I might give a "coupon" for something that we could buy together. I want to be part of people's joy in getting something meaningful or helpful that I'm able to offer.

I think that it helped that christmas was never MY holiday. I was always going to be on the outside since I was jewish. So I never felt that obligation to buy lots of stuff. And I never felt like there was some idealized vision of what my holiday was supposed to be. There are no hanukkah movies they show each year. The decorations in the stores and the overwhelming amount of christmas music is more oppressive than enticing. So I've always had to invent the rules...

Anyways, it seems I had a lot of thoughts about that. I didn't realize I'd need to ramble so much. I hope that you are able to invent some meaningful traditions, and cookies sound like a great idea! And it definitely helps to have people that you'd want to invent traditions with!!!

~Johanna

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

Making gifts for others, doing something nice for/with them as a gift, or donating something to a cause in someone's name is much cooler than going to the mall to buy someone something. That I can appreciate. Of course, there's nothing wrong with buying gifts, it's just the presurre to buy (and buy a lot) that is really distasteful to me.

I think that it helped that christmas was never MY holiday. I was always going to be on the outside since I was jewish. So I never felt that obligation to buy lots of stuff. And I never felt like there was some idealized vision of what my holiday was supposed to be. There are no hanukkah movies they show each year. The decorations in the stores and the overwhelming amount of christmas music is more oppressive than enticing. So I've always had to invent the rules...

Yeah, that kind of sums it up. The presurre to participate in this idealized tradition that doesn't really exist. It's weird! As we move away from getting swept into that, we are moving towards the creation of our own tradition. I'm guessing that over the next few years we'll be fine tuning it to fit our values and celebrate w/ our chosen familes. :-)

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Your thinking sounds similar to ours. I find the idea of a season of giving appealing, but would rather give to my community or a charitable organization. I like to give gifts to friends, but the other holds more meaning for me. But you make a good point about trying to live up to the idealized vision of the holiday.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You didn't ramble at all. :)

[biogeekgrrl.livejournal.com]

Baking cookies helps. Which reminds me, we need to figure out a good time to have a bake fest. Mmmmm cookies.

the season and the spirit and the whole idea of goodwill and love and happiness

Objectively I can appreciate that, too. But there's this assumption that I'll travel back to Ohio to spend the holiday with my parents, and the other assumption wafflelips mentioned about buying crap, and it all gets to be too much. I want to scream and say to hell with the whole season.

What I need to work on is figuring out what I like about the season and what will make it meaningful for me. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I think it will involve being with my family of choice and doing things for other people. I'm not totally clear on the details but I promise I'll work on it. And that there will be cookies. ;)

[virginmartyr1.livejournal.com]

Baking cookies helps. Which reminds me, we need to figure out a good time to have a bake fest. Mmmmm cookies.

i am really all for this idea of the bake fest. it will encourage good will and respect among all humankind. cookies (and cookie dough) have a way of doing that. no more bombs, more cookies. yay.


I think it will involve being with my family of choice and doing things for other people.

i think i'd really like to feel like i do more for people outside my family (both of blood and choice) during the holidays. volunteering or something. something more meaningful and useful in the greater scheme of the world. but also cookies. (and maybe some rice krispy treats with red and green sprinkles).

[wafflelips.livejournal.com]

We should have a big bakefest. It'll be the bomb!

I really, really, really love rice krispie treats. they are one of my favorite desserts.