Research Proposal
Dec. 12th, 2003 03:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quesarahTo: Nightxadia First National Bank and Trust
Re: Application for Research Funds
The following is a research proposal for the development of Giant Mutant Ninja Attack Rabbits. Lepus americanus will be engineered to maximize their size and aggressiveness. Early results have generated rabbits that are 10% +/- 0.5% larger than average. Resultant kits also have great giant sharp teeth like so. We believe that with additional research funds we can take the lab out for an evening of drinking tequila, after which we should have at least three decent ideas and fifteen preposterous ones for increasing rabbit size. With enough money, tequila, and frantic evenings in the lab, we will develop rabbits that are eight feet tall and perpetually cranky. These rabbits will then be trained by the military-industrial complex in kung fu, karate, jiu-jitsu, hap ki do, and any other martial arts with a nifty-sounding name. The resultant brigade of Giant Mutant Attack Rabbits will be critical in the maintenance of domestic security. They will also strike awe and fear in any former vengeance demons, thereby assuring their docility.
The PI,
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biogeekgrrl has been trained thoroughly in the handling of test animals. She has a degree in Evil Scheming and graduated with honors in Creating Reckless Abuses of Nature. She has an extensive CV, having published regularly in the Annual Review of Mad Science. In short, she is a genius, GENIUS to whom you should hand over all your money, you small-minded fools! Ants! You are like ants compared to my intellect! Mwa ha haa haaaaaaaaaaa! Budget
1. 1 (one) Research Assistant: salary, scrubs, training in bad accents, cackling menacingly
2. 1 (one) Public Relations associate: salary, web hosting fees, timbits, tea, maple
3. 2 (two) lagomorph administrative aides: yogurt chips, hay
4. Reseach costs: $7 gazillion USD
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 03:33 pm (UTC)Remember...
Date: 2003-12-12 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 04:05 pm (UTC)We could also put little coin boxes in corner stores and gas stations. People always deposit coins in those things without really reading what the cause is, don't they? We could earn at least $1 trillion dollars that way.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-13 05:16 am (UTC)To: The BioGeek Institute For Evil.
CF: The Nation Of Nightxadia.
RE: Giant killer attack rabbits.
Finally the Gonzo Nation and the GSH have proof of the vile wrong-doings of Nightxadia! While they were so busy accusing us of possession of Weapons Of Mass Insomnia, they themselves were busy working in cahoots to create a brigade of Giant Mutant Attack Rabbits!
We, the peace loving people of the GSH condemn this appalling practice, and call at once for a UN sponsored mandate to investigate immediately. We understand Dr Hans Blix is currently unemployed, and would welcome his input. Further we demand that all Nightxadian assets be seized immediately, lest any further research into these appalling Herbivores Of Mass Destruction be carried out. We fear the consequences of this research. As do all right-thinking peoples!
And so, in closing, an in-joke that only Wendy will understand!
SQEEEEUEAAAARRRRCCCHHHKKKGGG!
That is all.
The Gonzo Information Minister.
SQEEEEUEAAAARRRRCCCHHHKKKGGG! yourself!
Date: 2003-12-14 11:24 am (UTC)Where is your proof that Nightxadia has actually granted this request. Until then, this is just the raving of a scientific lunatic. To quote our esteemed former leader, "The proof is in the proof." Jean Chretien.
psst
Date: 2003-12-14 11:25 am (UTC)Re: psst
Date: 2003-12-15 09:16 am (UTC)Re: SQEEEEUEAAAARRRRCCCHHHKKKGGG! yourself!
Date: 2003-12-15 12:23 pm (UTC)The Gonzo Intelligence Services are even now working on uncovering proof of Nightxadias ongoing weapons projects, including the horrific Paris Hilton Cloning Experiment. Oh yes! We know about that! And once we deliver proof of Nightxadias evil plan to subject the world to thousands, nay, millions of Paris Hiltons, we are confident that you will finally be revealed as the true force of darkness here.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 09:23 am (UTC)To: The Global Simon Hegemony Information Minister.
CF: The Nation Of Nightxadia.
RE: Giant fuzzy bunnies.
The GSH has clearly gone off the deep end. Where on earth did you get the notion that we are engineering Giant Killer Attack Rabbits? That's absurd! We are doing some genetic engineering of leporidae but not for any evil purpose. On the contrary, our entirely humanitarian (and might I say admirable) goal is to make Giant Easter Bunnies to bring chocolate and goodies and ancient fertility symbols to all the children of the world.
How could any sovereign nation be threatened by our bunnies? Just look at those cute pink noses. Look at those fluffy little cottontails. How can you think those are threatening? With all due respect, the BIFENESE thinks the GSH needs to get 40 winks and come at this with a fresh perspective.
In closing, if you are not with the bunnies, you are with the evildoers!
Regards,
Chief Scientific Officer, BIFENESE
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 12:55 pm (UTC)To: The BioGeek Institute For Entirely NotEvil Scientific Endeavors.
CF: The Nation Of Nightxadia.
RE: Giant fuzzy Killer Attack bunnies.
The GSH recognises the BIFENESE's feeble attempt to distance themselves from Evil Scientific Endeavours. We also recognise their utilisation of American spelling, FURTHER PROOF OF THEIR EVIL! Everybody knows that the brutal and indecent dropping of innocent vowels from their proper places at the end of words is a vile and depraved act, one that clearly demonstrates where BIFENESE is coming from.
Calling yourself NotEvil is not going to pull the wool over anybodies eyes, least of all our own! GSH eyes have been wool-free for over a decade now!
And do not think we are unware of the subtext of your final chilling closing message. And as a warning to the world let me just say: Today the GSH is not with the bunnies, and we shall suffer for this brave stand we have taken! But tomorrow, where shall you stand with the bunnies! I call upon all right-thinking peoples to unite now with the GSH and Blankbadgia, and together we can overthrow the forces of darkness! Ten Thousand fiery bumble-bees shall reign down upon their shins!
On one final note, we recognise that Nightxadias decision to sponsor research into Giant Killer Attack Rabbits indicates the level of desperation and fear Nightxadia has reached. This comforts us.
Yrs sincerely,
The Gonzo Intelligence Minister.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 02:21 pm (UTC)To: The Global Simon Hegemony Information Minister.
CF: The Nation Of Nightxadia.
RE: Giant fuzzy bunnies.
For shame. How can the GSH claim to be an upstanding member of the global community and turn its back on the poor suffering children of the world? You state that you are against the bunnies, therefore you do not like children. If you do not like children, then you are a shifty ill-tempered misanthrope. We on the other hand do many fine upstanding things for the children of the world. Here, look at this picture of Sally Struthers with a child from a Third World country. See that little white thing in the corner? That's one of our bunnies. You can only imagine the happiness brought to the poor child's life by that bunny.
As for our American spelling, we did not drop the vowels from the end of words. The letter "u" is merely taking an extended leave of absence to study at an ashram in Northern California. We resent the implication of your statement, as we prefer not to overwork our alphabet out of a strange compulsion for vowel redundancy.
You claim to be wool-free, but the BIFENESE has gathered substantial data about the Scottish people's love for sheep. We do not believe you are wool-free at all. Hans Blix has been contracted to perform wool inspections in the GSH and will render his report to BIFENESE, Nightxadia, and the People's Republic of Deus ex Machina (formerly Cuba) post haste and forthwith.
Yrs sincerely,
CSO, BIFENESE
no subject
Date: 2003-12-17 10:09 am (UTC)From: The Gonzo Interior Minister.
Dear madam,
It has been brought to my attention by my colleague the Intelligence Minister that you are in possession of some startling facts about the Scottish peoples love for sheep.
Allow me to set you straight on this.
At first glance, what are referred to as the 'Celtic' Peoples can be difficult to tell apart. The unkempt and ragged appearance is common to both the Scots, Welsh and Irish. However, following this simple guide, you need never be confused again.
The Irish have the excellent sense of humour, and are always great craick to be around.
The Scots by contrast are somewhat dour, possesing a strong line in gallows humour, but they do have the sexy accents to make up for it.
The Welsh entirely lack the Irish sense of fun, and the Scots sexiness, and are in fact a truly miserable race. They can however always be recognised by their intense and profound love of 4-legged herbivores.
There are however strong 'Welsh Tendencies' in Aberdeenshire. But the rules of reality are strongly warped in and around Aberdeenshire, so that region should be considered entirely seperate to the Scottish nation.
I trust this clears things up.
Yrs,
The Gonzo Interior Minister.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-17 01:45 pm (UTC)From: CSO, BIFENESE
RE: Celtic Taxonomy
Dear Sir
Thank you for providing us with a handy reference guide to Celtic peoples. We are adding this information to our database as we speak. In short:
Irish- humor (related to whiskey consumption? more research required)
Scots - sexy accent (must check whether sexy factor applies in circumstances where accent makes speech unintelligible)
Welsh - miserable. Duly noted.
Your help is greatly appreciated. We dearly love to put people in boxes. evil snicker
Yrs sincerely,
CSO, BIFENESE
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 12:59 pm (UTC)"BIFENESE Defends Itself Against Wrongful Accusations"
December 15, 2003
===================
Earlier this month BIFENESE was accused of engineering mutant rabbits for evil purposes by GSH. The Chief Scientific Officer of BIFENESE responded to the false claims immediately, revealing BIFENESE's current research developments: helping the children of the world. It is well known that, in recent years, there has been a shortage of Easter bunnies. BIFENESE has been working on developing Giant Easter Bunnies "to bring chocolate and goodies and ancient fertility symbols to all the children of the world." It is beyond comprehension how any company could come under attack when they have proven to be caring and devoted to making this world a better place.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 02:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 06:48 am (UTC)This will not raise your costs at all, provided I can have an additional country once the "project" is "complete".
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 09:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 07:21 am (UTC)To: Ms. Wafflelips
Re: Lepus Americanus
Ms. Wafflelips, it has come to our attention that you are acquainted with
Unfortunately, she will not return our calls. Since you are her "special friend" we are hoping you could put her in contact with us. I can be reached at gwb@aol.com.
Thank you for your time,
George
PS: My buddy John is watching you, so don't think of trying anything funny with them wabbits.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-15 09:26 am (UTC)Show me the money.
Yrs sincerely,
PS Tell John to get those damn wiretaps outta my house.